Neighbors Not Nouns
Don't Be a Label Maker
The wonderful organization I work for (Restorative Action Alliance) recently hosted a free webinar featuring Leaf Seligman, author of the insightful book “Being Restorative” (which I highly recommend).
Leaf spoke about the challenge of loving our neighbors when their views or behaviors differ radically from our own. This prompted me to reflect on how difficult it can be to embrace those who think, act, or look differently. We tend to gravitate towards others who share our religion, our political views, culture, race, or gender, often struggling to accept those without these commonalities.
Leaf discussed society's tendency to label people in ways that can ostracize them—terms like "drunk," "addict," "criminal," and "sex offender." We sometimes even label ourselves, turning actions—verbs—into identities—nouns. As Leaf wisely noted, "What I did is not WHO I am."
The problem with this kind of behavior is that, as Leaf puts it, “change only comes in an uncondemned state”. Condemnation and shame, whether from others or ourselves, do not inspire change or healing.
As I pondered this sad dilemna, it occurred to me that all too often we are quick to label those who think, believe, behave or look differently than us as “wrong”. Or sometimes “stupid”, “ignorant”, “bad”, maybe even “dangerous”.
Our rigid adherence to our own views can make others seem intolerable. We only create divisions when we are so firmly convinced that our perspective is the only “correct” one.
We are often appalled at this behavior in others - when we witness certain groups being labeled and demonized - while sometimes being completely unaware of our own tendencies to do the same. If labeling and shaming harm some, doesn’t it make sense that it’s harmful to all?
I do, of course, have my own opinions and beliefs, but I can’t claim to have all the answers. I’d prefer to hold my views somewhat loosely, remaining open to other perspectives. In my youth, I called this being “wishy-washy”. Today I call it wisdom. It’s also how I choose to love and honor others.
My goal is to listen with an open heart, striving to understand why others believe what they do. Sometimes I’m swayed by another’s perspective, and sometimes, while my views remain unchanged, I gain respect and deeper understanding for their viewpoint. It’s not necessarily about one being “right” and the other “wrong” - just different. This diversity is part of the beauty of humanity. How boring the world would be if we were all the same!
Our beliefs are shaped by experiences—culture, upbringing, relationships, and traumas. And there may be events in our lives that completely alter our worldview. For example, my views on the criminal legal system changed drastically after firsthand experiences revealed its widespread corruption and injustice.
So, unless I know what it is like to walk in someone else’s experience, how can I possibly understand their perspective on life? How can I know for sure that I would think or act differently than someone with whom I disagree or disapprove?
I recently read a quote from Henri Nouwen that resonates with me:
“Forgiveness means that I am continually willing to forgive the other person for not being God.”
I’d like to add my own twist to that:
“Acceptance means that I’m continually willing to forgive the other person for not being just like me.”
Maybe even more to the point would be to recognize that there’s nothing to forgive; that it’s not wrong for someone to think, believe, act or look different from me.
Like MLK, I have a dream: that people of differing religious beliefs would stop trying to convert each other and respect one another’s deeply held convictions. That those on opposite sides of the political spectrum could stop assuming theirs is the only solution. That people of different races would stop hating and start listening to each other.
At this pre-election time, so charged and polarized, my sincerest hope is that we might live in a world more focused on loving, seeing, and hearing each other than on being right and labeling others wrong.
May you find peace in the coming weeks and may you find it within yourself to love your neighbors as they are, not as you think they should be.
With all my heart and full acceptance of you just as you are,
So well stated!! Thanks Kim!
I appreciate your deep wisdom and the reworded prayer to forgive others for not being just like us, and then to take it a step further and realize being who we actually are does not require forgiveness. I appreciate the invitation to inhabit my most compassionate self. Thanks so much, Kim.