When Helping Hurts
Why Loving Yourself Helps You Love Others Better
My ornery ole cat bit me on the face at 4:00 this morning. He often comes to cuddle with me early in the morning, so I wasn't expecting the sudden change of mood. But cats are like that. At least mine is.
This isn't typical behavior for him, but he's been known to lash out at me once in awhile. I guess he wanted me to know it was time to get up and let him out.
Needless to say, I was mad! He went out, alright - I ran him out of my room and shut the door. I wish I could teach him that this is not the way to get what you want. But he's a cat, so fat chance of that.
This incident got me to thinking about boundaries. I decided it is probably time to set some better boundaries with my cat. Maybe I need to stop catering quite so much to his wishes and consider my own needs more. If I can't do it with my cat, how can I ever do it with people?
The Trouble with Boundaries
I think I've always had trouble with boundaries. I'm not a people pleaser because I want people to like me. I’d rather be true to myself than be who others want me to be in order to like me.
I'm a people pleaser because I want to make people happy and because I want to keep the peace and avoid conflict whenever possible. It's not that I'm not willing to stand up when I need to, but it has to be pretty important to me before I'm going to initiate any kind of confrontation.
Years ago, I read this wonderful book called "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend, which I highly recommend. I recognize how easy it is to cross the line from helping to enabling. I've often written and spoken about the importance saying no and prioritizing self-care.
I understand that it's not my job to fix anyone or not take responsibility for other people's emotions or problems. I understand the concepts, but how does a person like me learn to set better boundaries?
I've come a long way in establishing healthier boundaries, but my cat helped me to realize that I still have work to do. Thank you, Shiloh.
I've been pondering some steps I can take to grow in this area. I thought I'd share them with you in hopes that they might be helpful to you as well.
My Goals for Setting Healthier Boundaries:
Listen to my heart when it's telling me to say no and don't feel the need to explain or justify my reasons to anyone.
Remember that being kind does not always mean being nice - sometimes the most loving thing I can do for another is not what they want, but might be what they actually need (or maybe even what I need).
Let go of the idea that self-care is selfish - my needs are as important as anyone else's and I'm not helping anyone by burning myself out trying to please or care for others at my own expense.
It's ok to allow others to experience the natural consequences of their actions without feeling that I need to jump in and rescue them.
Remember that ignoring my inner voice to appease others will not prevent conflict, but only delay it and ultimately this could lead to greater problems.
Ask my friends to hold me accountable and help me with setting and enforcing boundaries.
By keeping these goals in mind, we can be truer and more loving to ourselves and to others. Will you join me? Because you matter as much as everyone else and so do your needs.
With all my heart,
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